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At the court of the newly founded German kingdom of Suckmahbutt:
"My king, my king, we have news!"
"What news, you filthy peasant?"
"The Sarazens tremble before our great forces! Not long, and we will call Jerusalem ours once again!"
"Ah, good news indeed. But I have too many vassals already, don't I?"
"Yes, M'lord. Shall I bring you the chronicles?"
"Yes, nameless lowborn scum, do that. Find me a distant cousin of my dynasty whom I can declare ruler of Jerusalem once the city falls and the war is won. Can't have it to rule such a distant kingdom myself."
"But there are other news, still. The Permian nobles have risen up and hold their banner for independence."
"Well, what do I care? Where's Perm even supposed to be?"
"Why, it's a tribal duchy south of Siberia."
"Why do you tell me of the rebellion then? They're too far away for me to attack them anyway."
"Why would you wish to attack your own lands, my king?"
"MY LANDS?" The king starts laughing "How is this snowy outback tribal lectern of a duchy MY LAND?"
"Well, remember the cousin your grand grandfather married off to a uyghur warlord to get a treaty out of him?"
"Me neither. But apparently their entire clan went extinct after some crazy viking coastal conquest went down and... well, I dont know the details either. But it appears you happened to inherit those lands, and now they're ♥♥♥♥♥♥ off to be ruled by a German infidel."
"This is madness."
"Madness? No. THIS IS... nevermind actually. But we have it 1241, and you're related to pretty much every royal in Europe, so this kind of stuff happens, I suppose."
"What happens if I just ignore the rebels?"
"They'll win the war, you'll lose prestige and the big blue blob formerly known as France will probably take the chance to invade us."
"Well, we can't have this. Make peace with the Saracens. We go to war in... what was it called?"
"Perm, M'lord. Will you lead the troops yourself?"
"No, I have to outlive my firstborn son, after all. Put him in charge, if we're lucky this lunatic imbecile glutton dies in battle and his brother inherits."
"So it will happen, M'lord."
10/10 would marry uyghur infidels again